Thursday, April 3, 2008

Overcoming Tanorexia: An adventure in self-tanning.

Hello. I am Meghan and I am Tanorexic.
I have been consistently going to fake n’ bake since I was 17.
I know what many of you are thinking… isn’t she only 18 now? Well... I'm no mathematician, but I'll support you in that belief.
Anyway, whether it's been 6 months or 11 years, it's time to quit tanning. So let's talk about my efforts to actively transition away from my UV infused lifestyle.

Step one. Find a self-tanner.

Who knew that in 1971 when someone decided to spray-paint a crate full of midgets on the set of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, they were actually foreshadowing the future of faux tans?
Which leads to my first issue.
Turning orange.
I have tried to go the self-tanner route many a time and I always seem to end up looking like I’ve been lounging around in a kiddie pool full of Tang all day. But that’s not all. Not only does it look like a bag of baby carrots has thrown up on me, but most self-tanners smell bad. Like copper.
Mmmm… copper.
I definitely want to get the scent-sensation that I’ve rubbed a handful of pennies all over myself. Gross. And not only do you start smelling like a copper wire thief at the scrap metal exchange, you may also experience...
Hives.
Now don't get me wrong. I like attention as much as the next girl. But I'd suggest a tube top rather than a skin inflammation if you're looking to turn heads.
Moving right along...
So, I seem to have found a self-tanner that does not cause me to turn completely orange, doesn't smell like copper and that doesn't give me hives. This isn't a public service announcement, so I'm not going to name brands here.
Unless they want to pay me.
The only down side so far is that it did turn the palms of my hands orange. Fortunately, I was able to lessen attention to this by omitting jazz-hands from my usual rotation of gestures. I'm only making note of this for the benefit of people who mentioned that I have been noticeably "less jazzy" this week.

Step two. Notify your tanning salon that you won't be back.
This is how I pictured it in my head:
I walk through the door and the girl who works there, who of course knows me by name, exclaims: "Meghan! How long would you like to tan today?"
Meghan: "um, I'm not tanning today. I want to quit."
I watch as her prematurely aged, abnormally brown, leather-like hands freeze over the drawer of protective eye wear as she says: "What? Noooooooo... You can't do this..."
She then bursts into tears. I look into her UV damaged eyes and say: "I know. This is hard for me too". And walk away. Never to return.
This is what really happened:
I walk through the door and the girl that works there says: "Meghan, how long would you like to tan for today?"
Meghan: "um, I'm not tanning today. I want to quit."
Salon employee: "Ok, then. Don't be a stranger."
I then notice how tanned her arms look and wonder if I should just keep tanning here... and maybe even step it up...
Maybe my arms could be that tanned if I really tried...








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Thanks for enjoying these deep thoughts with Meghan.

6 comments:

Unknown said...

As your boss, your reduction in jazz hands has been noted in your file. As well, HR has a problem with your racist remarks towards Oompa Loompas. Please see me.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered that your overdose of Vitamin D may be helping to compensate for your diet?

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised the break-up with your salon went so well. I too thought it would end badly with some hot tanned guy coming out the back to entice to you stay, much like Chandler and Ross encountered when trying to get out of their gym memberships on Friends...good luck breaking the addiction, remember there are support groups to help you through the hard, pasty times.

Anonymous said...

As the person that had to endure your daily tanorexipsodes i am honestly a little disappointed that i got mention in the Blog. I feel that i was a dedicated support system for you in your time of orange.

Terra

Megs said...

You are so right, Terra. You definitely deserve a shout-out for having to listen to my self-tanning stories every day for 6 weeks.

Anonymous said...

Hi I am Alison and I am a Tanaholic. Its funny that I will go fake and bake when I live in a place where it is sunny 10 months out of the year minus the hurricanes and tornados. The pool opens in April and I keep on tanning. Must send me an e-mail with the name of the self tanning stuff you found because I need to find something.