Overcoming Tanorexia: An adventure in self-tanning.

Hello. I am Meghan and I am Tanorexic.

I have been consistently going to fake n’ bake since I was 17.

I know what many of you are thinking… isn’t she only 18 now? Well... I'm no mathematician, but I'll support you in that belief.

Anyway, whether it's been 6 months or 11 years, it's time to quit tanning. So let's talk about my efforts to actively transition away from my UV infused lifestyle.

Step one. Find a self-tanner.

Who knew that in 1971 when someone decided to spray-paint a crate full of midgets on the set of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, they were actually foreshadowing the future of faux tans?

Which leads to my first issue.

Turning orange.

I have tried to go the self-tanner route many a time and I always seem to end up looking like I’ve been lounging around in a kiddie pool full of Tang all day. But that’s not all. Not only does it look like a bag of baby carrots has thrown up on me, but most self-tanners smell bad. Like copper.

Mmmm… copper.

I definitely want to get the scent-sensation that I’ve rubbed a handful of pennies all over myself. Gross. And not only do you start smelling like a copper wire thief at the scrap metal exchange, you may also experience...

Hives.

Now don't get me wrong. I like attention as much as the next girl. But I'd suggest a tube top rather than a skin inflammation if you're looking to turn heads.

Moving right along...

So, I seem to have found a self-tanner that does not cause me to turn completely orange, doesn't smell like copper and that doesn't give me hives. This isn't a public service announcement, so I'm not going to name brands here.

Unless they want to pay me.

The only down side so far is that it did turn the palms of my hands orange. Fortunately, I was able to lessen attention to this by omitting jazz-hands from my usual rotation of gestures. I'm only making note of this for the benefit of people who mentioned that I have been noticeably "less jazzy" this week.

Step two. Notify your tanning salon that you won't be back.

This is how I pictured it in my head:

I walk through the door and the girl who works there, who of course knows me by name, exclaims: "Meghan! How long would you like to tan today?"

Meghan: "um, I'm not tanning today. I want to quit."

I watch as her prematurely aged, abnormally brown, leather-like hands freeze over the drawer of protective eye wear as she says: "What? Noooooooo... You can't do this..."

She then bursts into tears. I look into her UV damaged eyes and say: "I know. This is hard for me too". And walk away. Never to return.

This is what really happened:

I walk through the door and the girl that works there says: "Meghan, how long would you like to tan for today?"

Meghan: "um, I'm not tanning today. I want to quit."

Salon employee: "Ok, then. Don't be a stranger."

I then notice how tanned her arms look and wonder if I should just keep tanning here... and maybe even step it up...

Maybe my arms could be that tanned if I really tried...

Subscribe

Enter your email address to receive notifications when there are new posts

Powered by BLOG ALERT

Thanks for enjoying these deep thoughts with Meghan.

Today I begin a journey. A journey in the land of Blog.

You're asking yourself why. Or maybe you're asking yourself why I assume you're even reading this. Both questions are valid.

Either way, here are some possible answers:

a) Web 2.0. Get on the bus or get run over by the bus.

b) I'm bored and don't have any new outfits to try on.

c) Blogging will sharpen my mind. The power of my thoughts will one day parallel my lightning fast ninja reflexes.

d) all of the above.

Answer? In high school it was said that "when in doubt, always pick C". I seem to recall that it was also of popular opinion that rubbing chapstick over the bar code of your scantron would cause the grading machine to automatically assign a perfect score to your test.

Let's just say that I never got 100% on that math exam, but the fact that my test papers were returned to me smelling faintly of a Dr.Pepper lip smacker was comforting all the same.

But I digress. The answer is D.

Thanks for enjoying these deep thoughts with Meghan.